6 Bottled Waters, a Clock Radio, and 51 Tic-Tacs

It's never too early to start shopping for that special someone, regardless of the occasion. Case in point: the Professional overheard this exchange today between 2 well-meaning people.

Guy: Look what I bought for my girlfriend's birthday! (Holds up WiiFit)

Girl (not the girlfriend): You're joking, right?

Guy: No, it's really for her birthday.

Girl: Don't you realize how mad you're going to make her?

Guy: What? She said she wanted it.

Girl: You might as well tell her that she's huge.

Guy: But she said she wanted it!

Let's stop the movie here and examine the one fundamental difference between men and women. Women say one thing while meaning another. Men say one thing because, by crackey, that's what they jolly well mean. Ladies, why do you do this to your guy every single time you want something? They stopped studying opposites after second grade. At this point, the only opposites they pretty much care about are rich/poor, hot/ugly, and dinner/lazy girlfriend.

Now, before you fling your mud and insults at the Professional, there's plenty to go around for the men as well. Guys, perhaps the use of common sense once in a while would go a long way towards an enjoyable time with your significant other. If you KNOW your girlfriend has a weight problem, then it's NOT a good idea to do things that remind her of it. If it's her freakin' birthday, you want to do things that make her forget about what's wrong with her. Why don't you just buy her a paper bag to put over her head when you go out to eat? And then you can strap her into her chair with The Club to make sure she doesn't steal your food. The point is, if she has a weight problem:
A. It's not your problem to fix.
B. She cares about it a LOT more than you do.
C. DON'T BRING IT UP, YOU CRAPTASTIC, THICKSKULLED, LUNATIC!

So keep this in mind as you shop, people. If you think there's even a chance that it might piss her off, then GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THE SHELF!

Juice Williams is Russian for "F**k! That guy's fast!"

Sitting from my perch in one of the new suites yesterday at the newly renovated Memorial Stadium, I got to see Juice Williams break his own school rushing record by running for almost 200 yards. He also managed to break the school record for yards by a Russian despite the fact that he is not Russian in any sense of the word. More on this surprising development as it occurs.

From a computer on a Sunday with too much homework to do, I am the Professional.

This is obvious.