6 Bottled Waters, a Clock Radio, and 51 Tic-Tacs

It's never too early to start shopping for that special someone, regardless of the occasion. Case in point: the Professional overheard this exchange today between 2 well-meaning people.

Guy: Look what I bought for my girlfriend's birthday! (Holds up WiiFit)

Girl (not the girlfriend): You're joking, right?

Guy: No, it's really for her birthday.

Girl: Don't you realize how mad you're going to make her?

Guy: What? She said she wanted it.

Girl: You might as well tell her that she's huge.

Guy: But she said she wanted it!

Let's stop the movie here and examine the one fundamental difference between men and women. Women say one thing while meaning another. Men say one thing because, by crackey, that's what they jolly well mean. Ladies, why do you do this to your guy every single time you want something? They stopped studying opposites after second grade. At this point, the only opposites they pretty much care about are rich/poor, hot/ugly, and dinner/lazy girlfriend.

Now, before you fling your mud and insults at the Professional, there's plenty to go around for the men as well. Guys, perhaps the use of common sense once in a while would go a long way towards an enjoyable time with your significant other. If you KNOW your girlfriend has a weight problem, then it's NOT a good idea to do things that remind her of it. If it's her freakin' birthday, you want to do things that make her forget about what's wrong with her. Why don't you just buy her a paper bag to put over her head when you go out to eat? And then you can strap her into her chair with The Club to make sure she doesn't steal your food. The point is, if she has a weight problem:
A. It's not your problem to fix.
B. She cares about it a LOT more than you do.
C. DON'T BRING IT UP, YOU CRAPTASTIC, THICKSKULLED, LUNATIC!

So keep this in mind as you shop, people. If you think there's even a chance that it might piss her off, then GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THE SHELF!

Juice Williams is Russian for "F**k! That guy's fast!"

Sitting from my perch in one of the new suites yesterday at the newly renovated Memorial Stadium, I got to see Juice Williams break his own school rushing record by running for almost 200 yards. He also managed to break the school record for yards by a Russian despite the fact that he is not Russian in any sense of the word. More on this surprising development as it occurs.

From a computer on a Sunday with too much homework to do, I am the Professional.

This is obvious.

U.S. Women know how to poke other women really fast!

The U.S. Women swept the medals in fencing.

As you celebrate, don't get all Detroit on us and burn down buildings.

This is obvious.

BREAKING NEWS

Brett Favre has taken a crap. More on this as it passes.

Reporting live from an undisclosed location, I am The Professional.

This is obvious.

And now, words of wisdom, with The Professional...

If a clock doesn't give you the time anymore, what would you ask it?







That was words of wisdom, with The Professional.

I like to drink coffee while I watch radar.

(The MI has recently installed a technological marvel which allows the staff to look forward into the future to determine problems that will occur during gametime. Our investigators recently discovered a recording of staffers attempting to work the machine - below is a transcript of this meeting - Eds.)

Pete: What am I looking at? When does this happen in the show?
Gary: Now. You're looking at now, Pete. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
Pete: What happened to then?
Gary: We passed then.
Pete: When?
Gary: Just now. We're at now, now.
Pete: Go back to then!
Gary: When?
Pete: Now.
Gary: Now?
Pete: Now!
Gary: I can't.
Pete: Why?
Gary: We missed it.
Pete: When?
Gary: Just now.
Pete: When will then be now?
Gary: Soon.
Pete: How soon?
Mike West: Sir!
Pete: What?
Mr. West: We've identified their location!
Pete: Where?
Not Related to Adam West : It's on the south side.
Gary: Good work. Get their squad number and prepare for pullage.
Pete: When?
M. West, or Mike W.: Tee-Tah-TAH, sir!
Gary: By high noon tomorrow they will be an alternate!
Pete: WHO?!?!
[clatter of conductor's baton, chair falling over]

As we get closer to camp...

The Professional would like to take this moment to be serious about a serious subject. As we get closer to camp, I ask all of you to make sure your sense of humor is in midseason form by the time you take the memorization test. Too often, we have begun the year with someone being unnecessarily offended because they were too slow on the uptake and had a stick wedged way up their butt. So, I plan to do my part to get all of you humorously in shape. Enjoy the video. And if you don't, keep watching it until you fall off your moral horse.

That is all.

It's August

Thought you might like to know.

RUNNNNNN!!!! GOOO!

GET TO DA CHOPPAH!

And now for some random questions...

If a trumpet blows in the forest and no one's around to hear it, did the trumpet actually suck?

Why hasn't Brett Favre chosen to play in the TFL?

When a TA tells you that your marching sucks like something you actually like, do you no longer like that thing? Like, what if you liked Oreos, but then a TA says you march like bad Oreos, do you no longer like Oreos? Or do you just change it up and go for the Double Stuf Oreos because those are better anyway?

How do you feel about drapes?

Why don't more people do us all a service and eat a buckeye?

And finally...

Have you figured out who The Professional is?