U.S. Women know how to poke other women really fast!

The U.S. Women swept the medals in fencing.

As you celebrate, don't get all Detroit on us and burn down buildings.

This is obvious.

BREAKING NEWS

Brett Favre has taken a crap. More on this as it passes.

Reporting live from an undisclosed location, I am The Professional.

This is obvious.

And now, words of wisdom, with The Professional...

If a clock doesn't give you the time anymore, what would you ask it?







That was words of wisdom, with The Professional.

I like to drink coffee while I watch radar.

(The MI has recently installed a technological marvel which allows the staff to look forward into the future to determine problems that will occur during gametime. Our investigators recently discovered a recording of staffers attempting to work the machine - below is a transcript of this meeting - Eds.)

Pete: What am I looking at? When does this happen in the show?
Gary: Now. You're looking at now, Pete. Everything that happens now, is happening now.
Pete: What happened to then?
Gary: We passed then.
Pete: When?
Gary: Just now. We're at now, now.
Pete: Go back to then!
Gary: When?
Pete: Now.
Gary: Now?
Pete: Now!
Gary: I can't.
Pete: Why?
Gary: We missed it.
Pete: When?
Gary: Just now.
Pete: When will then be now?
Gary: Soon.
Pete: How soon?
Mike West: Sir!
Pete: What?
Mr. West: We've identified their location!
Pete: Where?
Not Related to Adam West : It's on the south side.
Gary: Good work. Get their squad number and prepare for pullage.
Pete: When?
M. West, or Mike W.: Tee-Tah-TAH, sir!
Gary: By high noon tomorrow they will be an alternate!
Pete: WHO?!?!
[clatter of conductor's baton, chair falling over]

As we get closer to camp...

The Professional would like to take this moment to be serious about a serious subject. As we get closer to camp, I ask all of you to make sure your sense of humor is in midseason form by the time you take the memorization test. Too often, we have begun the year with someone being unnecessarily offended because they were too slow on the uptake and had a stick wedged way up their butt. So, I plan to do my part to get all of you humorously in shape. Enjoy the video. And if you don't, keep watching it until you fall off your moral horse.

That is all.

It's August

Thought you might like to know.