You Can't Spell Domination Without "D"

Victorious Team D Lays Smackdown on Team A

Matt Albert
TFL Illustrated

CHAMPAIGN--The team that was routed by the league leaders last week certainly didn't show up today. Instead, Team D came out with the fire and passion that could only be described by White Sox GM Kenny Williams as "grindy." They shut out Team A 28-0 in the second game of the afternoon.

Team D (1-1) continued to show its youth off as Allissa Carter, Russ Chinn, and starting quarterback Scooter Preston (12/30, 146 yards) led the scoring. But Preston made sure to give credit to the entire team in the postgame press conference.

"I owe a dinner to my O-line. They were impeccable. The defense was stellar and I want to thank Paul Okarma for helping out as a ringer today. I also love having Aaron D'Souza and Brendan Frank on this team. Those two couple up like salt and pepper, peanut butter and jelly, chickens and a barnyard, black and white, you name it. They're like the Berlin Wall without the graffiti."

Preston wasn't the only underclassman to come up big either. Russ Chinn came in with a plan to not only help the team but pad his stats in the most subtle ways possible. "That fake bobble I had that ended up getting me 4 extra yards? Completely by design. They don't know out here just how far ahead I am of everyone. Your days are numbered, Eikenberry."

Prior to the game, Team A sophomore Brittany Davis could be heard taunting what appeared to be Carter. Carter would get her revenge with 2 touchdowns and one interception on the day, but the taunting wasn't the reason. "I ran in the morning and drank lots of Propel. And then I thought about football--all morning long. I also came back early from seeing my boyfriend because I always deny him my essence before a game."

There were only a few bright spots for Team A (1-1) after a gutsy win last week. Scott Wujek tallied an impressive 10 tackles for the afternoon which easily led all tacklers for the game. Eric Forry made a miraculous comeback after appearing to be out for the entire season, and he managed to sack Preston twice during the game. Chris Paolinetti also provided decent pressure on the line.

Unfortunately, they just couldn't score. Forry threw for only 37 yards on just 5/21 passing. It was a game that the whole team will want to forget before they try to improve to 2-1 next week.

Quick Hits

The quote of the game came from Aaron D'Souza at the end of the game. "Shutouts are sexy."...The game was halted briefly for a case of theft in the 2nd half when a nearby flag football team took Wujek's ball. He promptly summoned the Green Ranger's Dinozord and made everything the way it should be...The commissioner was once again present for today's games but was hoping for a more competitive contest...TFL Illustrated would like to congratulate Chicago White Sox designated hitter Jim Thome on hitting his 500th home run in a 9-7 victory over the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Orange County of California of the United States of America of the Northern Hemisphere of the Planet Earth of the Milky Way Galaxy.

Scoring Summary
1st Half
16:57--Team D--Chris "Bench" Preston 4 yard pass to Allissa "Fast Chair" Carter. D leads 7-0.

2nd Half
09:21--Team D--Preston 6 yard pass to Paul "Don't call me O.J." Okarma. D leads 14-0.
04:38--Team D--Preston 36 yard pass to Russ "That's a stupid ques" Chinn. D leads 21-0.
01:52--Team D--Preston 6 yard run. D leads 28-0.