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Legendary Fight Breaks Out at Residential Pool

URBANA--Two former MI Trumpets let a heroic battle of words turn ugly yesterday as a wrestling match claimed the dignity of Andy Gradl and Scott Wujek.

What appeared to be a civilized conversation between the two became quite violent in a hurry. Bystanders at the home of Val Billing were shocked and dismayed as Gradl and Wujek fervently fought over the answer to the following conundrum:

"A plane crashes on the U.S.-Canada border. It crashes so that half of the plane lies in America while the other half lies in Canada. Where do you bury the survivors?"

Gradl was insistent that the answer was America while Wujek equally insisted it was Canada. (The answer is, in fact, "nowhere" because you do not bury survivors. That would be silly.)

The conversation turned ugly as soon as they realized their disagreement with each other. Eyewitnesses at the Billing household overheard the following dialogue. Vulgar words have been edited out for no damn good reason:

Gradl: You bury the survivors in ^%#$^%#$ America!

Wujek: NO! You bury the survivors in %$#@%$@# Canada!

This entire argument repeated itself for 7 minutes, 37 seconds until Gradl picked up a Super Soaker 50 (circa 1988) and began pumping the gun while firing at Wujek. He did so despite the fact he was not wearing swim trunks but was wearing "a very nice shirt" according to girlfriend Renae Tondini. Wujek eventually found a similar model and began firing back at Gradl. The two then began chasing each other around the pool perimeter as many patrons in the pool fought for control of inner tubes that would protect them from the sprays. It is believed that no one was hurt in the scuffle save for some tickling and errant splashing.

Wujek eventually caught Gradl and appeared to say "F-You Andy Gradl" before taking him down into the pool. Actual video footage is available of the disturbing scene. For those of you who are squeamish, faint-hearted, anemic, allergic to nuts, lactose intolerant, under the age of 17.5, weigh less than 110 pounds, take the good take the bad take them both and there you have the facts of life, or happen to be pregnant, we advise you to view at your own risk.



Needless to say, the other partygoers were helpless and stupefied at the sight of the two gladiators jousting on American soil. One anonymous guest went so far as to call one of them "Gemini" although it is not known which of the two the name was intended for. The final words of the movie (Tondini's "Oh no! Save the phone!") left a slight touch of comic relief on the tragedy. We'll have continuing coverage as more information becomes available.