A Rumination of the Soon-to-be Extinct Astroturf

(For those of you who are not in the know, Memorial Stadium is getting re-carpeted this fall with new Field Turf. We were contacted by the Astroturf, who wanted to record its thoughts on the situation for posterity - Eds.)

Imagine waking up one bright morning, going through your usual routine of shaking off the dew that accumulated on you from the past night and messing with the birds who inevitably poke into you because they think there's actually ground underneath your lush, perfectly coiffed blades of grass, when the head groundskeeper comes up and tells you that you're getting replaced.

After years of uncomplaining service, you find out that you're getting ripped out in favor of some new, flashy kid waving his credentials all around like a cop looking for a discount in a donut store. Sorry, AT, even though you have years of experience, you're being put out to pasture without so much as a good-bye party. I gave 110%, you know. I always drained without complaining and never divoted myself, no matter how many 300+ lb. linemen happened to be digging into my rubbery, pellety goodness. I always came to play, and yet this wasn't good enough. Ok, I'll admit, I had my downsides. I know I was hotter on sunny football Saturdays than Hillary Clinton at a store which was sold out of pantsuits. But is that enough to justify tearing me away from my life's work?

And, no one asked the Buried Bulldozer what he thought of the switch. Does no one care what the Bulldozer thinks? I mean, all sorts of stuff can happen if he's irked, given that he's underneath the field and all. This is obvious.

Well, I guess my rantings won't preclude the inevitable. So, goodbye everyone - I will miss your feet massaging my spongy body, the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, and those wonderful lukewarm nachos from the concession stands. Just remember, those little black pellets are actually seeds which can bloom into your own Turf if you just remember to water them and give them a little love.

-AT