One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Complete and Utter Absurdity

It's going to be an exciting year for the Marching Illini this year as director Peter Griffin has announced the road trip for the 2008 season will be to the moon.

"First, I believe that this nation should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing a band on the Moon and returning them safely to the Earth. No single space project in this period will be more impressive to mankind, or more important in the long-range exploration of space; and none will be so difficult or expensive to accomplish. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win, and the others, too. Give em a little more!"

At this point in the interview, Peter Griffin broke the nose of a passing 92 year old woman who had been out buying groceries as he violently thrust the palm of his hand in her direction. He had to be escorted from the premises.

Several questions must be raised in response to such a bold move by the University of Illinois.

Firstly: Who is paying for all of this?
Secondly: What will the band bring to the moon? Especially if attending a picnic?
Thirdly: Can actual marching occur in a next to zero gravity environment?
Fourthly: How are the TAs going to get the equipment truck to the moon?

There are several more questions that need to get asked, but I am obviously just wasting my time even typing them up because I can in no way except a legitimate answer from any of you.

This is you- "Oh, what would I bring to a picnic on the moon? I would bring air. Tee hee (inaudible giggles)."

I can only imagine that IFund will be fronting the bill for the multi-billion dollar space trip.

As Dr. Griffin was being led away by security officers he could be heard ranting, "It'll be great, band! We're going to march in three dimensions! Imagine! False rotations vertically!"

NASA refuses to send 350 college students to the moon though the scientific principles behind the physics of a pong game were intriguing. The Russian Federal Space Agency, however, is completely on board with the idea. General Director Anatoly Perminov has offered to let the band fly up in their space craft. "Hell," the head of the Russian space program said, "let them go up from Russia... We need the money."

The sousaphones have never been more excited.

But why the moon? It's going to cost a fortune especially with gas being at around $4.00 a gallon. Imagine what rocket fuel costs. The moon is about 250,000 miles away. Sure, not much fuel is spent once the vehicle is in space, but the bulk of that fuel is used getting off the ground. They should just take us to Happy Valley. It wouldn't be nearly as far or costly.


This is obvious.